ShiningWizard

Survival of the Fittest Commercial

This is Future Stars of Wrestling based out of Las Vegas, NV.

I guess this is just another lost cause, Ponies. All you ponies don't know about lost causes. The NPO does. They said once they were the only causes worth fighting for. And they fought for them once, for the only reason any pony ever fights for them. Because of just one plain, simple rule: "Love thy pony. And in this world today full of hatred, a pony who knows that one rule has a great trust. You know that rule, NPO. And I loved you for it -- just as my sire did. And you know that you fight for the lost causes harder than for any others. Yes, you even die for them -- like a colt we both knew, SuperCampion. You think I'm licked. You all think I'm licked! Well, I'm not licked. And I'm going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause, even if this room gets filled with lies like these; and the NPO and all their armies come marching into this place. Somebody will listen to me.

Gredunza Wins

Ms. Wizard is a 7 time Gredunza winner.

The Legend of Shining Wizard

' "Shining Wizard is a son of a bitch!"

"Shining Wizard is the mother of every kid in this town!"

"Shining Wizard once showed me a video of her making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"

"One time I was with Shining Wizard in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Shining Wizard goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Shining Wizard! SAY IT!' Then she manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ShiningWizard' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"

"She'd eat a homeless person if you dared her!"

"Her poop is used as currency in Argentina."

"She sweats Gatorade"

"She once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."

"She hated Mexicans! And she was half Mexican! .......And she hated irony!"

"I once saw her scissor kick Angela Landsbury."

"She sheds her skin once a year."

"She makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."

"She did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Shining Wizard!"

"I once saw her eat a whole live chicken."

"Her favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."

"She sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, she was pretty normal when it came to that."

"Shining Wizard was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Shining Wizard took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Shining Wizard takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Shining Wizard yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"

"Shining Wizard had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said her heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese."

"She once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."

"She taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."

"They found $60 in change in her stomach."

"She did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."

"She grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."

"Shining Wizard drank a full glass of liquid LSD with her eggs. Then she slept for 8 months straight. When she woke he rubbed her eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"

"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Shining Wizard talk in her sleep."

"She date raped David Bowie."

"She once inhaled a seagull."

"The Pope told her it was ok to have a mistress."

"It was the sight of Shining Wizard's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."

"She once had sex with a cigarette machine."

"She killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."

"She uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."

"She once ate the Bible while water skiing."

"She drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

"She sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!"

"You know, she would shoot whiskey into her neck with a syringe!"

"She has dandruff the size of mice!"

"She jogged with a fridge on her back!"

"Shining Wizard was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved her for it!"

"She's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds her baby shrimp scampi."

"She orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen."

"She went public with her own buttocks and made $7 million."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Shining Wizard went hunting? Shining Wizard decides she's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. She stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle."

"We once had a bachelorette party for Shining Wizard. She ate the entire cake before we could tell her there was a stripper in it."

"Shining Wizard once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."

"Shining Wizard once got her wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."

"Shining Wizard's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong."

"Shining Wizard ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Shining Wizard was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Shining Wizard chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."

"She breastfeeds John Madden."

"Shining Wizard named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that."

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Shining Wizard's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"

"Shining Wizard directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels."

"All the 'Yes' album covers are Shining Wizard family photos." "Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died.Shining Wizard said it would've happened sometime."

"Shining Wizard still believes in Santa Claus, and she wants to put him in porno films."

"She thinks the Iron Man is gay."

"She framed Roger Rabbit."

"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Shining Wizard - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men."

"She gave a handjob to a manta ray."

This article is a stub... like Gary Burghoff's left hand.